Chapter 1. Re-awakening.
I have done a lot of evil things in my life. Things so evil that no amount of piety will ever atone for my sins. Yet I have come to terms with it. I sleep soundly at night, I no longer hear the screams, or wake up screaming myself. Paralyzed with fear, unable to move, unable to run, unable to contract my throat to make anything other than a low pitched noise “aahhhhhhh” that sounds so guttural, my wife fears when I have those nights. I have nightmares, nightmares that the victims are coming after me. Coming to drag me back into that pit of despair.
I thought it was over, but it wasn’t. I saw them, or maybe it was their souls, because they did not look like the living. All writhing and dancing in that dimly lit pit. Flashing lights and the dark lord himself locking eyes with me. Staring straight into my soul as he rhythmically beat his drum. With each strike of the drum the souls would writhe even more wretchedly. The air hot and humid, the stench unmistakable combinations of all manners of fermented bodily fluids. His voice, that voice. That voice that cuts through, it all rings through this motif, with one recognizable word of our dark lord….
“SUAVEMENTE!”
Oh no, it’s too late. There is no escape. I too feel myself losing control. I begin to writhe as well.
“BESAME”
The dark lord continues his incantation, charming all those within earshot. I feel myself slipping, losing myself as I become part of the seething, roaring, shouting mass.
“QUE YO QUIERO SENTIR TUS LABIOS”
No I can’t, I must stop. I can’t allow him to control me again. I regret it all, I regret nothing.
“BESÁNDOME OTRA VEZ”
NO I CANNOT LET HIM. I WILL NOT. I WILL SCREAM. I AM SCREAMING. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
I open my eyes to darkness. A light comes on my wife’s nightstand. I am paralyzed, I can’t move, all I can do is scream. “ROBERT! ROBERT! WAKE UP YOU’RE HAVING A BAD DREAM AGAIN!” my wife says. Slowly I regain conscious function. First I regain control of my breathing and vocal chords. I stop screaming. I regain control of my eyes and I look over at her. As I regain control of my eyes, I start weeping, knowing these are not *just* nightmares. She does not know.
He is calling me, beckoning to return. As I regain use of my arms my wife embraces my face, letting me cry into her chest. I thought it was all over, I thought I had left it all behind, but the dark lord beckons me again.
Sorry Rob, I was on and off writing this so proofreading as I typically don’t but wasn’t on a tear like normal so yeah I still learning the art of writing, but tell ya I don’t know what God wants me to write or right or rite as that term has been used in identification by various people in my almost non existent circle, but have appreciated help when I asked and if so delivered. I have been reading your writings and hope you continue as I know I will and must. God unfolding everything to me not taken lightly so I’m obligated and I take my commitment as most things seriously. Some things best left to comedians which I used to think I was the class clown out of boredom and didn’t care who laughed but in satire I shame my adversity and not people. Hell with as much as I probably do know on a broad variety of topics, I’m never surprised when something I didnt comes along or makes no sense. In the end I like is it Plats or Socrates marker.
I am certain I know nothing …..something like that.
. As a sales professional on commission for a Ford dealership. I believed in the product, was a huge fan of Henry Ford and also because I had a DUI and flipped my car at 20 yo when I just said Ive seen enough Lord I’m going to end it this time fuck it as I drove my car head on to the large galvanized street light pole along a city road not too far from home. I almost made the top of the pole before as it was going down and me up, the car flipped and I was upside and unconscious till I was wakened by a good Samaritan saving a life was wishing done for. My Dad took me to work picked me up after and I wouldnt gain my drivers license or attempt till my home was built. I need that structure in place till I was ready. Fast Forward and I never realized the tremendous amount of stress my job could be not so much as looky lous while wife was at Kmart, but my paycheck was entirely on my shoulders and I did prefer it that way. I was paid for over performance and suffered when I wasn’t motivated as my boss and good friend would tell me, need to spend that damn money on something other than scotch and putting poor waitresses through college with my tips to them. I was never a materialist in that degree. I believed in purchasing with need and want to money well spent on things needed quality built and priced to reflect more than the name as was to the very product and people behind it. Today as having front and center experience profit before all else even safety if able and even a loss in valued hourlies as they were called in unfair wages because the economy so dismal by design that the .25 cent raise critical to the P&L and future growth disregarded that Buffets Inc which was privately owned, squeezed every last dime from the company at almost the times it needed through back to back bankruptcies that I enjoyed calling Chapter 22 to my direct report RVPs chagrin and rare scolding look I would ever receive .
. I typically was consistent with selling 10 cars. 8 to make the absolute and a few more. So months was down and dirty to the day others months steady. We also could have 1/2 car if someone asked for you and the sales person honest could split the deal average of $100 for any and all new Ford Aspire to the eventual behemoth Ford Excursion. $49 over factory invoice and you keep the rebate. All legit as money made on the dealer holdback as listed which was 3% of the Federally mandated Monroney Sticker MSRP Retail minus the Delivery and Destination charge from the factory also listed. It sure seemed like an awesome amount of earnings back then or significantly more realistic living expenses in housing, electricity water and sewer (which at 22 was very vocal as I had invested year or so prior a septic system fully approved by county but was mandatory for me to now from their point of entry, pay for the necessary plumbing to from the platueu of my mountain.Monopoly I would say in disgust and also is tiered percentage of my water usage.Point is till I was paid a wage or salary. There was a weight
that I did not notice till it was no longer weighing in on me, earning commission that even though had a way most could not endure as you would be paid whatever total hours you were by law required to punch in and out for, however would receive whatever hours worked multiplied by the minimum wage at the time I have forgotten, possibly owed to the fact I worked long hours, braved my introverted fears and I approached every man or woman that old timers would say needs to be with her husband ( many of them thanked me for not blowing their wife off as he wore the pants but she help to or picked out herself) or even way young as someone as I with that I could help if that is what they wanted and was able to afford and everything else that comes with buying a new or used car, to earn their business and my pay .
Whole different Devil and weight but about equal I’m sure. The long way around and the world but still not long enough to cover other than I did get crazy aaahhh however never realized till I was no longer on commission. Though steady was my salary and bonuses and a high level performer and benchmarking at 100k to a week after receiving top honor awards for 2nd year consecutivly losing my job by termination that I to the day am at a loss forever as to why and the eventual next ahhh damn Hero to Zero freefall that I have to be responsible for even if I can’t determine my point of undesirability or unnecessary. Other than my boss who most did not get along with. I however understood his position and if any objectives weren’t to be achieved was concerned with because of continual observation and standards. In the end the narcissist that he was and the vindictiveness of managers that were terminated by me and chain command agreement. Even swimming with the sharks I was a big fish but no shark. I never at someone’s anything sold out my values or others to keep a job, climb the ladder or kissed any ass. Hard work, Integrity, Respect, Confident Humility best way I can describe. However no match when at the top you will find the most narcissistic crazy and most time easily wounded, feared and yes cut throat as they come.
The structure we all live and die by is largely I believe by design.When I was a young man and ideas present in politics, I thought that if we could just balance in all fairness the problems that cause the problems then there would be no need outside of course for problem makers or the misunderstood or possibly simpler still why can’t we all just be what we want why is that so hard for people. I listen, I’m not thinking of what I’m going to say I try to ensure I understand not just what is said but what the goal is, I attribute the quality also when stupidity falls out of my mouth because I had to have not understood or worse not as smart or as practiced or updated my skill always in listening more than hearing and speech just expected and approached the only way I know. How else would I know what to say until I open my mouth and say it. Oh yes cringe sometimes it were, but Truth damn Truth even if it destroyed all I believe in. Truth